Christmas break was so relaxing. No deadlines, no pressure, no assignments. I needed the break. Oh, how I needed it. I felt like I'd been treading water for four months, with my nose barely staying above the water line the whole time.
And so I spent a month in pure, unadulterated sloth. I got up late, spent the days how I pleased, and went to bed whenever I wanted.
This is all well and good...for a time. But toward the end, I was sort-of-but-not-really looking forward to school. Sort-of because I feel antsy without a schedule and a routine. Not-really because with schedules and routines comes stress. I don't like stress...and yet, I always end up going back to him. (Don't ask me why I always turn life situations into relationship analogies. I think it's like guys and sports.)
{Random story that is slightly-related, but didn't fit anywhere in this post: During my fall break, I started a documentary called “Stress: The Silent Killer.” Yes, I watched a documentary about STRESS during a break week. Or, that is, I tried to watch a documentary about stress during break week. I had to turn it off about 5 minutes into it. It was making me stressed.}
During break, I was reading this book about mothering little ones. (Don’t judge me. I’m just storing up wisdom that I might need later. Besides, I can’t help reading books that are right there in front of me. It’s a compulsion.) Anyway, in one of the chapters, the author mentions how overwhelmed she was in one particular season of her life, and how she realized she needed to ban the word “overwhelmed” from her vocabulary.
Well, "overwhelmed" isn't the trigger word for me. I'm definitely on Team Stressed. It's my go-to word for whenever I feel lazy or grumpy.
So. I've been consciously trying to...not necessarily ban the word...but just be way more aware of using it. I've used it so many times over the past seven-ish years, that it just needs to be retired from my mouth for awhile.
Stress is my excuse to grumble (“Ahh, how am I supposed to get all this reading done? Why did the teacher even assign this book?”), which is ultimately rooted in disbelief. Do I really believe that God ordains my circumstances? Not just in a classroom where we're discussing Calvinism, but in my life? And not just the big events, but the little itty-bitty details, like reading assignments and paper deadlines? Because if I do, then why am I stressed out? Why don't I just do my best, and let Him take care of the outcome? Sure, the circumstances won't always turn out the way I wanted. I might end up with a B instead of an A. Oh, the horror. But a B cheerfully earned is worth more than an A fretfully pursued. Can someone please translate that into Chinese and tattoo it on my face?
So, I’m determined to keep my priorities straight (none of this skipping Bible reading for school reading, no more fudging on keeping the Sabbath), work hard, trust God, and let the crumbs fall where they may. I'm done with giving into the stress, finished with masking a grumbling spirit with a stupid little word.
It's only been Week 1 (admittedly the easiest week of the term), but I've noticed a change in my attitude. Stress has been one of the major motivators in my life. I've always worked better under pressure, under stress. But now - I'm reminding myself that I have a different motivation. I need to be working hard because it's the right thing to do, not because the consequences of not working hard frighten me. I'm supposed to be working heartily as unto the Lord, not as unto stress. And that same Lord was the one who said, "Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light."
Stress, on the other hand, says things like, "Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you more to stress about. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am a harsh master and proud, and you will find turmoil for your soul. For my yoke is heavy, and my burden is even heavier."
I think I'm going to go with the Lord on this one.
All these revelations have come to me at an interesting time. You see, this term is going to be by far the most stressful one yet. I nearly doubled the hours at my job, and I’m taking an extra class. Let me remind you that I was stressed with the normal coursework and 3.5 hours of work a week. Without a shift in attitude, this would have been the term that stress would have done me in. Conversations with me would look something like this.
Oh, not too bad.
Oh, good for you. You’re not stressed like I am. Must be nice to not be stressed. I wish I weren't stressed.
Um, yeah. Hey, are you coming to the party tonight?
Nope, I’m feeling too stressed.
Oh, but maybe the party would do you good?
Nope. I’d be too stressed. I’d spend the whole time there thinking about how stressed I was, and then I’d get more stressed, and then I'd collapse in the middle of your floor in a giant fit of stress.
Ok. Well…we’ll miss you.
Yeah, well...I’ll probably be too stressed to miss you. But have fun!
You too!
I will. Stress is so much fun, you know. Nothing like a big ol’ glass of stress to wash the schoolbooks down with.
Um...ok. Sure. Bye!
Yeah, I have to leave too. We've been talking too long already...hopefully stress won’t kill me before we meet again!
And then I would lose all my friends, because who wants to be around THAT person?
I feel like I should clarify...I don't believe, not for a minute, that I'm going to frolic through life stress-free for the rest of my days. Even if I were to ban myself from saying the word aloud for the rest of my life, I will still say it in my heart. Just give me a few more weeks...finals week will loom ahead, and stress will wind its snaky fingers 'round.
But I'm more aware of it now. And as every single breaking-addictions group will tell you, admitting you have a problem is the first step.
Also, refusing to be stressed doesn’t mean that I’m not going to be studying and working like crazy. I've been starting my days at 5am, and I'm planning to keep that up as long as possible. I'm going to be skipping out on parties. I'm going to be doing school on the weekends. I'm going to say "no" to some things that I would have otherwise liked to do. Honestly, on the outside, it's not going to look like much has changed. But it has.
